Karim turns 6
I remember feeling heavy, I remember my heavy steps, I remember taking my classes not knowing when I would deliver, I remember not knowing what type of delivery I would have. I remember wondering if I would be a good mom. I remember wanting to have a natural birth. I remember feeling so lost and excited but thinking “I’ll just do my best” and my mom will help
I remember the day I delivered. A breezy perfect sunny December day in Lebanon. Everything after for the next few weeks is a blur. I was told I need to have a c-section, I had horrible cracked nipples, Karim would cry (literally) non stop, he wouldn’t sleep for the life of me. We would carry him from a corner to the other from one hand to the other until he stopped crying so he would sleep for 20 mins only to wake up and repeat. I remember realizing there’s only so much your mom can do, this is your responsibility and you chose it .
I remember hating breastfeeding. I remember night feeding when the world is as leep. I remember having 0 positive emotion. Most of all, I remember feeling lonely. Feeling like this isn’t for me. Feeling maybe I rushed it.
I remember finally diagnosing him with cmpa at 2 months, I remember his first smile, and the rest is history.
I remember thinking I’d never forget it. I remember thinking I won’t breastfeed for another day, how will I breastfed for 2 years as I hoped. Here I am, almost 6 years after it, remembering simply to tell you the story. I remember it every time I see a new mom or patient in the clinic and I tell them “I thought I’d never forget but I seriously did” and look beyond those first days, imagine a healthy 2 year old. Here I am, after breastfeeding for 2 years, a period I miss and he completely forgot. I’ll never forget how something so painful became the most beautiful experience of my life. One of the things I am super proud of.
Since then we’ve had many birthdays and oh so many laughs, horrible incidents, and a beautiful life together. I’ve doubted if I am a good mother a million and a half times, mostly when going through new phases like feeding and parenting. Seeing him happy today is the only re-assurance I need to know I’ve done well. Really well.
On this day, like every birthday, I wish the world gives this boy the happiness of the world. I hope it gives him success in any way he defines success. I hope life is gentle. I am grateful to be a mother more than anything in the world.
Thank you for listening to my story. Feel free to share with me yours if you’d like, I would love to share it.
More blogs written about Karim in my life:
Motherhood crisis with Karim